Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
