I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
In other news, I just burned my penis
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
