The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
