I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
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