I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
