Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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