I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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