This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
