alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
