i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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