im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
