im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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