i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
