so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
