I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.