ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
