You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
i believe in u and ur pee
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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