I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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