I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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