I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
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i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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