I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
