I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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