before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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