Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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