Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
