I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
