did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
