Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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