My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
