guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
