May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
