I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
And then my night got REAL pukey
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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