these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
