i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
