My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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