I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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