You smell like a Billy Joel song
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
