I cannot find my penis.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
