how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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