my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
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I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
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On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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