Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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