Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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