im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
