Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
