I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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