i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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