Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
