Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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