I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
His nipple licking is glorious
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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