So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
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