We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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