I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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