She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
