i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
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