I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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