I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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