i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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