The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
