Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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